Headed to South Africa...

Every single time I get ready to go back to South Africa, I am full of conflicting emotions. Primed and pumped to accomplish many things in a short amount of time gets the adrenaline pumping. The joy of reconnecting with all the phenomenal people -- the NGO workers, the friends and supporters -- and of course, the incredible opportunity to be with the children once again is exciting. All these things are the stuff that gets my engine running and has me moving a bit more rapidly than normal.

But on the other hand, I'm leaving my kids behind for over 10 days. Having a ramped up mom prior to the trip and a very lagged out one afterwards is difficult and disruptive for them. Then of course, the dreaded packing: Cameras, projector and laptop in the carry-on (ugh!). Dictionaries and wooden toys in with the papers. Huge tubs of JIF peanut butter and Nescafe (don't ask!) in the BIG suitcase (the one that could be a coffin for a good size german shepherd). And of course, don't forget the passport (I almost did once!).

The planning and arranging of the schedule makes me, a normally spontaneous person, a super-controlling type A++! Computer training, computer installation, computer upgrades -- check! Staff meeting, staff training, staff brainstorming -- check! Corporate meeting, corporate training, corporate tours -- check! New site visit, new site development, new site relationship building -- uncheck! How do I fit it all into 8 short days on the ground???

The experience is packed solid, but in the midst of it, I try and spend time reflecting on all the feelings, experiences and insights and capture it all in my blog. So, instead of the "regular" once a week post in this blogspot, I will be updating daily. As much a tonic for me as it is a window into another world for you!

So, start looking for updates beginning on May 7th! I promise!

Thanks for your good thoughts and your support. Comments are a great motivator!

Dana

Incidental Mentors

Tonight, I am learning all about a computer virus that my daughter accidentally (is there any other way?) downloaded onto the family computer. I'm also relearning that I should never use the same password on all my accounts...especially not on my Facebook account, my email account and my bank account.

Some of us are just simply slower learners!

Or maybe I'm just too naive and lazy to heed the warnings that pop up from the day you first touch a keyboard and read the word "GOOGLE".

Warnings that should make me wise enough not to let my first grader on the computer by himself at 6am on a Saturday even though my whole being is begging for another hour of sleep.

You get my point.

With all the ways to get in trouble in this world and all the things I keep learning way too late in life, I sometimes wonder how anyone, myself included, makes it past the age of 25 without spontaneously combusting.

Luckily, there are the guides and teachers, wise ones and gurus along the way. The one's with voices we tune into...the one's who have just the right balance of advice, kindness, humility and wisdom. The person who laughed with us and didn't laugh at us. The person who believed we would make it past 25 and was willing to bet we could do it without blowing ourselves up.

That is basically what mentoring is all about.

I wish I could thank all the people who mentored me on my journey to 25 and beyond. Fortunately, I had the chance to share my gratitude with most of them before they passed on to their next great adventure.

But there are many I will never be able to thank. The many incidental mentors who never even knew that they were on my journey with me.

The incidental mentors in my life were frequent. Random strangers at bus stops and on trains who spoke a sort of transcendent vision that sustained me in some weird way. Other incidental mentors were people I watched and learned from...people I admired from afar. The raven-haired grad student who I listened to speak with such intellectual curiousity and intensity. The woman at the concert hall who carried herself with such grace and strength. Images and conversations that marked me, that remain a part of me even decades later...all gifts my incidental mentors have given me.

And now, I work with hundreds of mentors. Mentors who are choosing that role through Infinite Family.

And all you mentors who I am lucky enough to meet in training and online from time to time? I learn from you. I learn from John, our "gaia guy" as I call him, who is inspiring me. I learn from Mike, whose friends say, "wherever Mike goes love grows". I am touched by Lori, whose love for her Keneilwe, her Net Buddy, is just boundless. I am so honored to know Barbara, a risk-taker and joy-sower, a rule-breaker and flag-bearer.

Just look at all those incidental mentors, who don't even know I'm learning from them! Lucky me!

With all these mentors surrounding me, maybe eventually I'll become a little less naive and lazy, so when the next inevitable teen tech tragedy unfolds, I won't spontaneously combust along with my bank account!

Once again, thank you for all you do...!

Running the Gauntlet of Growing Up in South Africa

This week, Manini's step-father was dragged from a car and stabbed to death.

Manini's response to our reaching out to her with concern was a deadened "These things happen."

And in her life, and the life of so many young people like her, it is true that these things do happen. Violent death, rape, the violence of poverty wrapped around the ever-present specter of HIV/AIDS buffets the children of Africa like a gauntlet of threatening men with bull-whips in their hands.

We can barely fathom what their days are like. In our days of complaining about traffic, decreasing investment portfolios and the trials and tribulations of appliances that break, children that whine and seemingly endless rounds of chores, tasks and responsibilities...it is hard to see our own lives as privileged.

But Betsy knows, and Cheryl is learning this from Liba and Chuck is being inspired by Siyabonga. The mentors of Infinite Family are given the gift of perspective from these incredible children of Infinite Family.

And Andrea? Andrea is logging on to a computer and coming face to face with Manini...sharing tears and the incredible depth of loss that Manini has faced in her very young life. Andrea in her NYC apartment, with her infant son, is a source of succor and support for this young woman who has no adult in her life...no one left to shoulder the grief with her and encourage her forward.

Manini is in a fragile place. A very smart, motivated young woman who has gone from orphanage to college. A fledgling success story. A child of infinite possibility.

A child of Infinite Family.

Infinite Family needs your support to continue to reach the children who run the gauntlet of growing up in such challenging circumstances.

Your support helps us keep Manini connected to an adult who isn't going anywhere...who she can count on...an adult mentor from Infinite Family.

We hope you would consider giving your time, talent and treasure to the children of Africa through Infinite Family. We make it easy, we make it fun...and it makes a difference.

We thank you for all you do!

Dana

Navigating the Technology Jungle!

Refilwe, an orphanage and community enrichment program located in one of the more rural areas surrounding Johannesburg, loses its power in the Infinite Family computer center every time someone turns on the stove in the cottage next door.

Yes, indeed! Everyday is a new technology adventure with Infinite Family!

*When we teach computer skills at Refilwe, we do it in the dark...afraid to turn on the lights, overload the system and then lose the laboriously typed user profiles the children have been working on.

*Internet Solutions generously donates satellite access to all Infinite Family's computer centers. Which means these hunking-big satellites are attached to tin roofs, concrete block outbuildings and shipping containers masquerading as technology centers. This incredible access to the internet provided free of charge puts the ultimate strain on these less than stable structures. But somehow, these humble dwellings bear the burden of the satellites, beaming the smiling faces of our Net Buddies all the way to outer space and over the pond on a daily basis!

*Nkosi's Haven, a Johannesburg hospice for HIV+ women and their children, stitches together their Infinite Family connection by dangling the modem precariously from a chair...the only way to keep the ethernet wire connected!

And those are just a few of the technology problems in South Africa -- one of the best wired cities on the African continent!

As for the US, you'd think you'd be looking at a fairyland of technological wonders. Guess again!

*100 different users with different operating systems, computers of varying ages and abilities, less than adequate internet connections, modems that are flukey, and speaker/headphone systems that mysteriously want to do something other than work when it is time to be talking to a Net Buddy during a video conference. The US is no technological picnic.

*And in my own home in Pittsburgh PA, if I use my telephone and my microwave at the same time, I sound like I'm underwater and the popcorn won't pop!

Some days, it feels as if technology is a jungle of preying problems waiting to pounce!

And yet, Infinite Family somehow manages to create enduring and special connections between orphans in South Africa and mentors around the world. Mentors and Net Buddies meet every week, sharing their hopes and dreams, their daily lives and funny stories...laughing, creating poetry and chair-dancing to music together...all on this same amazing and frustrating link called technology.

Until of course, one of the kids at the orphanage gives the key to the computer center to a man named David who went away for the weekend...and who conveniently dropped his cell phone in the Crocodile River so he can't be reached. And then you realize even when the technology works, you've still got problems!

Oops!! Gotta go...my neighbor is using his CB Radio and his voice is coming through my computer speakers!!!

Technology...you've got to love it!

Louis CK's perspective

Last night, when I was roaming through the Facebook realm, I came upon a video that made me laugh out loud (or lol, if you do that sort of thing). Louis CK was on a rant on the Conan O'Brien Show about how completely ungrateful we are.

Louis CK did a lol job of pointing out how completely jaded and unappreciative we are of the miracles of our daily modern life. Louis painted a familiar picture of how instead of being completely ga-ga over the miracle of the cell phone, we whine over a dropped call. He wonders why we aren't absolutely stuck to the airplane windows amazed by the fact that we moving through the air in a chair in the sky. Instead, we are impatient, grumpy and never satisfied with whatever we have.

One thing the kids of Infinite Family give me every day is perspective. They are totally over the moon about touching the keys on a keyboard and sending the words they labor to write zooming across the room in an email to a friend. They are proud and bashful at seeing their faces splashed across the computer screen and beamed around the world. They are absolutely amazed by the fact that some adult out there in the big wide world of "important stuff" wants to spend time with them...they who live small lives in shanty towns or orphanages struggling to attain the basic necessities of life.

This miracle of relationship is not lost on these kids. The encouraging words they hear, the advice filled emails they get, the smiles that are shared with them are not incidentals in their day. These interactions are a miraculous intervention in a humble life.

So, yes, Louis CK has nailed us...painted a completely accurate picture of our wanton disregard for the amazing life we live. But if you want a weekly reminder of the wonders of technology and the beauty of shared time -- look no further than Infinite Family.

(I'll give you the Louis CK link because I want you to lol, too! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoGYx35ypus)

A Hero named Tsietsi...

Today I know that in a tin shack in Alexandria, a South African township wracked by poverty and stalled by underdevelopment, a boy named Tsietsi is thinking about my son Desmond.

While our Net Buddies wait for mentors, I am lucky enough to correspond with Infinite Family's kids via email. Getting messages in their inbox is exciting and keeps them practicing their nascent computer skills. I try to keep them typing by asking them to tell me stories about their lives. The truth is, I am the one who is honored to have my inbox filled with their testimonies of resilience and hope.

A few weeks ago, I asked Tsietsi to write me a funny story. Instead, this is what I received:

Hi Dana Gold

My funny story about me is that I have finished my grade 12 last year, and one thing which makes me frastrated when I think of is that, I failed grade 1 which many people regard it as the most easiest class in school, so when I am trying to tease my friends they just say ''a normal person has never failed grade 1'',they try to make it a joke and I really gets frastrated indeed.

From

Tsietsi


Not the funny story I was looking for. A story that deserved to be honored with some vulnerability of my own. I responded with the following:

Hi Tsietsi!

Oh, that is a hard story. My son has also had to repeat grade 1. He is repeating this year. It makes him sad, too. He is also afraid that the children will tease him.

You could be his hero! You were able to persevere (never give up) which is one of the biggest ways to succeed!

Congratulations on never giving up! Maybe you could share some wise words for my son, Desmond, so that he does not get discouraged.

Thank you for sharing your story, Tseitsi.

Much love,

Dana


Tsietsi did indeed share his wise words. Wise words for me, not just my son!


Hi Dana

You know what, as humans we are not the same. Desmond and Tsietsi are
not the same but you need to tell him how much important he is and
that he must keep on working hard. You know what, trust me, show Desmond more
love and you will see he is going to be such an intelligent son and one day you
are going to be proud of him.


From.

Tsietsi


So, today, in South Africa, there is a hero walking around the halls of Realogile High School. A hero in his own life, my son's life and my own. His name is Tsietsi.

Encouragement

It isn't everyday that I am "on call" anymore. Back when Infinite Family first started I was "on call" during our video conferencing times almost every day of the week. Although I am glad for the time I now have to advance Infinite Family's mission -- I miss the special little glimpses into our Net Buddies world that came with being "on call".

But today...I'm on call!

Which means I get to share with you my little window into another world.

First, Christina, our Net Fundi at the Haven, called to tell me about the changes in the VC schedule. M. wasn't going to be able to make it to his VC today. When I inquired about the reason, she responded, "it has something to do with his body...but he won't talk to me about it." That is Christina's bit of short hand for saying he had recently gotten circumcised.

Since it was discovered that circumcision reduces the transmission rate of HIV/AIDS, many of the older boys have been scheduled for the surgery. As you can imagine, none of them is eager for the procedure. And all of them have to go it alone.

Since the boys are orphaned, there is no mother to sit with them in the aftermath of such surgery. And since the boys are in their late teens, the understaffed orphanages can't spare anyone to accompany them to the hospital or be there for them as they struggle with the pain.

So, M. wasn't coming to his VC.

I called Lisa, his Infinite Family mentor to tell her. She told me of how scared M. had been, how nightmarish the hospital experience was for him. She told me of how worried she was that there was no mother or father there for M. to go to, to depend on, to make sure that this very sensitive surgical site did not get infected. Lisa felt so sad for her boy, M.

So, she wrote him an email. I'd like to share part of it with you:

My dear M,

Long time no see. Boy, I miss you so much. I miss your smile and laugh. I hope things are going alright with you. I am so sorry that you had to experience the hospital all by yourself. I wish I was there to be by your side and hold your hand, to comfort you thru the scary times.

I want you to know that you can talk to me any time you need to. I am here for you always. I am not going anywhere. I love you M. You are the son I never had, and I am very proud of you.

If something is wrong with you please tell the house mother. If your circumcision is infected please tell her. You may need to get some medicine to cure it up...

Write me a email to let me know what's going on. Take care of yourself young man. I'll be talking to you soon.

HUGS TIGHT, Lisa

Lisa is 8000 miles away from M. and confined to a wheelchair. She can't use her hands to type, so she uses a special instrument to help her navigate the keyboard.

But do all those physical limitations lessen the impact of her words? No. Her words, to a very uncomfortable and lonely boy in an orphanage in South Africa are the medicine he needs.

And Lisa supplies it!

Infinite Family mentors are special people. I am so blessed to know them!

You can know them, too! Become a part of Infinite Family today! Join our next mentoring training class on March 23rd!

Thanks for caring...

Dana

Become part of the great whole...

A good friend of mine read my latest blog and commented, “My reaction, and probably that of most of your readers, is what can we do to give these children so talented with words and a keyboard some hope and a viable future?”

That is a great question. And one I would like to answer by introducing you to Gail, one of Infinite Family’s wonderful volunteer mentors.

This week, Gail wrote the following letter to the editor of her local paper:
“"It's all about me" is a slogan that reflects our current culture. This focus on ourselves and our need to have the biggest and the best has put our country into an economic crisis. It is time to rethink our priorities.

I have learned many wonderful things from a young woman I mentor in South Africa through Infinite Family. She lives in a shelter and washes her clothes in a tub in the yard. One of her greatest delights is taking food to "the poor." By our standards, she herself would be considered poor but her standards are different. Her life is rich because she focuses on what she has, not on what she doesn't have. It is time for us to do the same.”

Gail continues on to talk about her choice in the upcoming presidential election.

So, what difference does this letter make? I think what Gail is showing us is a full circle, fully integrated experience that can result from plunging bravely in to do whatever we can to try to impact the world’s greatest hurts. Let me explain:

First, Gail got involved. She chose a way for herself to make a difference in the world…in the lives of the vulnerable, often orphaned, and impoverished children of South Africa.

Second, Gail shared her experience. She educates others by sharing what she has learned, describing what she has witnessed and encouraging others to get involved.
Third, Gail is applying what she is learning from the child who washes her clothes in a tub to her own situation. Gail is being inspired to examine her own life, patterns of consumption and view of the world and make changes. A sort of “live simply so others can simply live” experience.

And lastly, Gail is using what she has experienced to inform how she engages the larger world. She is writing to the paper. She is voting and she is keeping her elected officials informed of her priorities.

Now, one might say, “Good for Gail. What an admirable person!” and then leave it at that. But I say, if each one of us were to follow Gail’s lead, just imagine how powerful our collective experience would be?

If each of us found a way to involve ourselves, open ourselves and learn. If each of us plunged in and shared our experience and encouraged others to join us. If each of us were to do our small part, all our small parts would become part of a great whole.

Never underestimate the power of a single person.

These children are waiting for mentors. We need caring, adventurous adults who will take 30 minutes a week to mentor a child. You can harness the power of a single person and use it to make a huge difference in the life of that child.

You can become part of that great whole. Become part of Infinite Family.

The girls...

And what is more tragic than the boys of South Africa? Only the girls.

Oh my. The reed thin, bright eyed 12 year old girl who repeatedly stokes the leg of our 35 year old male staff member and asks him if he is married. E. who introduces herself on her blog with the story of her sexual abuse. F. who stiffens and pulls away as I place my hands on her shoulders. M. who writes me an email out of desperation, scared witless by her father’s threats that he will beat her with a club. And he does.

On “graduation” day, when we give the children a certificate of achievement for participating in Infinite Family’s training, we ask if any one would like to explain to the parents who come for the occasion, what IF is about. Several boys stand up to give speeches. No girls. I encourage the girls, looking directly at the most confident of them…with no response. One girl runs out into the courtyard, too embarrassed by the invitation to even stay in the room with her fellow students.

Gail Johnson, the Executive Director of Nkosi’s Haven, explains that only one third of the rapes committed in South Africa are ever actually reported. Therefore it is impossible to know if the estimated 250,000 that occur each year are an under-reporting or not.

The women bear the abuse, they bear the children and they bear the burden of providing for their families.

I have no poetry or analogies that can change these facts. They are heart-wrenching, sickening, depressing.

We who can, must guide these girls to a better future. We who care, must be there to help heal, to listen, to witness their pain. Many of these girls have never met a woman who wasn’t abused. Many of these girls accept this painful path as the only possibility for their future. We know another way. We must share it.

So, share. Share your vision. Share your hope. Share yourself.

Their gift is you.

Waiting for the Rains

Waiting for the rains. The whole of Johannesburg has been waiting for the rains. They should have started by now. October is the month for the rains to begin…but nothing comes. Barely a cloud graces the sky. We move slowly as the unrelenting sun beats down on us. It is so hot. So very scorchingly hot. The ground is baked brown, the grasses are stubble. We hear that the rains have come to Cape Town and Durban, but Johannesburg still waits.

Then tonight, as I sit working, I hear a rumble. Is someone moving furniture? Or is it thunder? I move outside to listen. The tell-tale flash of lightening splits the sky. The thunder grows more ominous. The first fat drops of rain raise the scent of dust as they hit the thirsty soil. I wait for the deluge, for the real rain to drench me as I stand expectantly with my face lifted toward the roiling clouds.

But nothing happens. The thunder dies away. The lightening disappears. The dust remains. The drops of rain evaporate without a trace.

Waiting for change. The whole of South Africa has been waiting for change. The people think that the changes should have occurred by now…for it has been a decade since independence…but it is too little, too late. There are new cement block homes built in the outskirts of Alexandra, but they are far out numbered by homes fashioned from tin and wire. There is freedom of movement, but not freedom from prejudice. There are more opportunities, but in a country where 30% is a passing grade in school, not enough people are adequately prepared to take advantage of those opportunities.

And so, we hear the thunder roar. Mbeki steps down from the presidency. The ANC threatens to split into two parties. Zuma, the heir apparent to the presidency, threatens violence against those who would oppose his control. The lightening of xenophobia rips across the land, leaving many innocent dead. There is roiling anger which rumbles through the townships as the frustration mounts. Change comes in small drops, not enough to satisfy the parched throats of those who hunger and thirst for justice.

We still have confidence that the rains will come eventually, but the changes? Will they come, too?

The children hope for the future. They sit before me and exude hope for their futures. I am surrounded by aspiring engineers, social workers and entrepreneurs who believe in the opportunities that await them. These children are not bitter about their government. They speak with pride about their country. When I ask the children what makes South Africa special they use words like, freedom, culture, opportunity, diversity. As I watch these talented and beautiful children learn new skills, open up to new ideas and adventurously plunge forward into the world of Infinite Family, I wonder…when does all this hopefulness become bitterness? What makes the optimism wilt away?

But like the rains, we must water their hope and nourish their optimism. We must be the rain that feeds their parched souls as they hunger for attention, advice and affirmation. For without the rain of love that we can offer, there will be a drought of hope in this land of South Africa.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Didn’t a wise South African man named Ghandi say that? Proud culture. Proud history. Bright future?

Hoping with you...and waiting for the rains!

Dana